(Dress: Alice + Olivia)

Sittin on my bed, heart beating, staring @ my phone, sweating.
Yes. Grannys aircondition is broke AGAIN and five mexican "repairmen" succeeded in no more than expressing in different ways how "old old old" the system was and opening my windows towards the garden, but the faint night breeze barely moves the linen curtains and the damp august heat makes my thoughts slow and my body heavy and as I stare @ the phone I still can't belive it.

SHE called.

Yes. Just a minute ago!
I was almost asleep when my cell rang. Half dreaming, with a weird feelin. I reached 4 it and I was SURE it was the attorney. (He's b'n callin me all day about the FUNERAL and how some "choir" needs 2 c my speech) but I DON'T wanna talk abouth DEATH in this heat and I was just about 2 shut off the phone of when I saw the name.

BLACK

And I answered.
"Hello?" I whispered.
"Hey darlin" her voice warm and dark and calm as always "how u doin?"
Mouth dry.
"I'm…I'm…" I stammered quietly, then I couldn't hold back.
"…where ARE u Black?" I almost wept "What r u DOIN? Come back 2 me, I miss u and…"
I had 2 force back my tears so she didn't hear how helpless I felt but I couldn't help hearing her smiling there in the darkness on the other end of the line.
"I'm where I have to b my love" she said "and I'll b back when I've finished the things I have 2 finish. Until then I want 2 ask you 2 b strong and call the attorney. He's got news 4 you."
"T..t…the attorney? But what do u know of the attorney, and why?"
But as I spoke I knew she had already hung up. And then I sat there in the humid darkness, staring @ the phone.

Somewhere in the garden a bird screeched.
What is happening?

(Pants - Miu Miu)

Sitting in my back yard under the walnut tree sippin' granny's last Madeira. Humid air, sounds of the city far away. It's four in the morning. The nights are so quiet here in Hollywood. Damp and dark like the breath of a sleeping drunk.

I'm wearing my granny's 50's Vuitton dress.
Imagining how she sat in exactly the same spot back in the days. Only, her company was Frank Sinatra's brother and mine is a packet of Benson & Hedges and anxiety. Perhaps the difference is not that big.

*

Black is still missing and of course Aloysius is beside himself.
I'm workin' all evening on the speech 4 the funeral but can't keep HIM out of my head.

*

Evan.
I was 10 when my brother died. For years my memories felt like fever dreams: faces, smells, sounds and places all mixed up.

I know I spent a lot of time in our back yard. Must have been like two years altogether, but I have no idea WHAT I did there.
Until one day HE appeared in front of me. By the yellow painted fence, smoking a Lucky Strike. He was a couple of years older than me, fourteen perhaps but 2 me he looked like 25.
"I've been watching you" he said.
"Uh-hu." I mumbled.
"You don't get out much."
"My brother" I said to make him shut up and leave me alone "died last year."
"Well" he answered "I'm sure if u just feel sorry enough 4 yourself he'll come back 2 you."
Then he threw the cigarette down and walked away, whistling.
I just stood there. Sun in my face, wind in my ears, heart throbbing.
That was the first time I saw Evan, but not the last.

I wake up to the sound of birds. The city hasn't even begun to heat up yet, but I can't go back to sleep. The FUNERAL is getting closer and it occupies my mind, like the troops of a foreign country.

In an attempt to fight the memories, me, Black and Aloysius decide to visit Silver Lake. After 3 glasses of Pinot on the rocks @ a small mexican bar I ALMOST forget about the funeral. Then Black suddenly points to something behind me, gets up and runs out, and as I turn around I can see the back of her (my) Charles Anastase dress disappear through the doors of a thrift store. Only seconds later she returns with a huge pink plastic bag in her hands.
"I found it" she shouts for the whole street to hear. "The perfect dress for the funeral!"

The "find" is a 50s wedding dress with all neon green flowers. My face goes blank.
"That's a wedding dress" I stammer.
"I know!" she says. "But I mean, isn't a funeral really exactly the same thing as a wedding, except that you celebrate one person instead of two… and that person happens to be dead.”
I try to make a sentence, but I'm out of words. Then my phone rings and saves me. It's the attorney!
"You won't believe this" he says "but..."

OH NO, now my stupid bear is making a scene (I think it's on purpose, he's always searching for "someone's" attention these days).

I'll have to continue this post later.

Photos from a project I'm doing right now. Do you recognize the bloggers? 10 golden blessings for the first one who does.

Light blue sky, like an ocean grave or the eyes of Madame du Barry. Granny's back yard is ominously quiet. I'm sipping my Madeira in a slow pace but my heart beats like a hunted bird's.
What a weird and dreamlike day so far, and it's only noon! When I have regained my mind I'll share the details with you, but until then:

*

I've been invited 2 a strange party in NY by Alexander McQueen in New York. They say I'm a star, and that the party is "Only 4 the perverted". Hmm...

*

Some gallerist liked the photos of my favorite bloggers (above) and wanted them to be featured @ an exhibition for Shane Wests birthday party @ Bardot.
"Shane West birthday"Black shouted from the bathroom. "That's so exciting I'm even gonna postpone my suicide plans!"

*

And oh - Aloysius is NOT getting better. After the episode on the lawn with Mr Mystery (I will tell you more soon) I went straight up to my Bear, woke him up and asked if he knew who was outside moving our lawn, but he just looked @ me with this haughty stare.
"The question of who is moving your owners lawn" he said in that stupid british accent he always uses when he wants to hurt me "is somewhat secondary when u are dying."

*

Oh well. So many things happening right now.

(Dress: Marc Jacobs, White powder, Shoes: Vintage Vuitton)

Aloysius sickness is getting worse. I really don't know what 2 do. I thought he was getting better, but yesterday, when I was spying through the window to get a glimpse of Mr Mysterious he suddenly woke up in the middle of a nightmare. He sat up in the bed, made this horrible hissing sound. I tried to calm him but he pushed me away. He was all sweaty and spoke incoherently about how love and friendship always ended up hurting the animals good @ heart (and some rather NASTY things about women in general that I'll forgive him for, only because he was half asleep and it was his subconscious speaking and you don't have any responsibility over your subconscious).
The world is evil, he repeated.

I asked him to b more precise but instead he went back 2 sleep. This morning he had a terrible fever. I told him that he must drink (water!) but he refused. Said he had "nothing more 2 live 4".

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?

L8tr today, me and Black are taking him to the children's hospital. Oh STUPID STUPID bear. I love him so much.

*

Also: Granny got ANOTHER invitation 2 Chanel. She must have been a good customer. Me and Black r thinking about it.

*

Oh, and please remember to like this on facebook below! Aloysius says only the posts with Black gets liked, and that I needn't post anymore about him, since bears have no use for "pity"

(Dresses: Granny's nightgowns)

Darkness and a tar gray sky. Smell of orangeflowers and newly cut grass and...and something is happening in the backyard guesthouse! The little vine covered white house that's locked, but where I suspect Mr. Mysterious lives. First, when I was just about 2 fall asleep, strange silouettes danced on the ceiling, then I thought I heard a scream.

Half awake, half dreaming I went over 2 the window, pulled aside the white curtains. The yard was still in the moonlight. I was just about 2 go back to bed, then I heard it.

A loud thumping sound, then silence, then a weird giggling, like from a little girl. Then a muffled voice sounding like it spoke in german, then giggles, then silence. I'm sure it came from the house.

I tried waking Black, but it was just not possible. Then I GAVE IN and asked Aloysius 2 come with me. But he just looked @ me with that insolent stare he's been giving me the last couple of days and turned over and went back 2 sleep.

And I don't want 2 go out there alone. Jesus, what if it's a murderer, a burglar, or even worse, one of the neighbors.