(Jacket from Le Petit Petit, Sunglasses from Cutler and Gross)

This morning I woke up with the feeling that TODAY something had changed, something subtle, something I didn't understand yet. I got to my feet and put on one of granny's Vuitton robes and went out into the garden and dived into the pool and not until THEN, when the white whirling water surrounded me did I start to remember...

The phone call from Black
The bird in the garden. (The same one as in Karelia?)
The dream I will tell u about l8tr.

Then I got up from the pool and Zombie stood there waiting.
"Some old man" he said, holdin up my cell "wants 2 talk 2 u."

******
"I've caught Pneumonia"
So many of you write beautiful things about me. I'm gonna try linkin to SOME of you.
http://thewildchilddiaries.blogspot.com/2011/08/ive-caught-pneumonia.html
http://textbook.tumblr.com/post/8083910943/pneumonia-white-worth-the-read
http://www.itgirlsinterrupted.com/2011/07/pneumonia-white.html
http://mysticmedusa.com/tag/pneumonia-white-horoscopes/

If you written how cute I am, please mail me, my need for AFFIRMATION is bottomless.


******
UPDATE; Sorry in my head it's all so clear, or maybe not but ok: Zombie = Sombreoguy = Mr (even more) Mysterious.
I think it's time I tell you about Zombie.

(Skirt - bleached Haider Ackermann)

Sorry I keep you waiting. There's a storm in my head.

(Dress: Alice + Olivia)

Sittin on my bed, heart beating, staring @ my phone, sweating.
Yes. Grannys aircondition is broke AGAIN and five mexican "repairmen" succeeded in no more than expressing in different ways how "old old old" the system was and opening my windows towards the garden, but the faint night breeze barely moves the linen curtains and the damp august heat makes my thoughts slow and my body heavy and as I stare @ the phone I still can't belive it.

SHE called.

Yes. Just a minute ago!
I was almost asleep when my cell rang. Half dreaming, with a weird feelin. I reached 4 it and I was SURE it was the attorney. (He's b'n callin me all day about the FUNERAL and how some "choir" needs 2 c my speech) but I DON'T wanna talk abouth DEATH in this heat and I was just about 2 shut off the phone of when I saw the name.

BLACK

And I answered.
"Hello?" I whispered.
"Hey darlin" her voice warm and dark and calm as always "how u doin?"
Mouth dry.
"I'm…I'm…" I stammered quietly, then I couldn't hold back.
"…where ARE u Black?" I almost wept "What r u DOIN? Come back 2 me, I miss u and…"
I had 2 force back my tears so she didn't hear how helpless I felt but I couldn't help hearing her smiling there in the darkness on the other end of the line.
"I'm where I have to b my love" she said "and I'll b back when I've finished the things I have 2 finish. Until then I want 2 ask you 2 b strong and call the attorney. He's got news 4 you."
"T..t…the attorney? But what do u know of the attorney, and why?"
But as I spoke I knew she had already hung up. And then I sat there in the humid darkness, staring @ the phone.

Somewhere in the garden a bird screeched.
What is happening?



(Cape: M M Margiela)

I have big news coming up. Stay tuned my baby bunnies!


(Basque: Agent Provocatore. Panties: La Perla. Lingerie war!)

I remember lit class back in Karelia.
"Everyone" teacher sez "has their own Madeleine cake. Just close your eyes and try 2 remember".
And everyone remembers. Blueberry pie, freshly picked green tomatoes, the smell of bread in the oven and then it's my turn and I close my eyes and then I remember.
"If I were Proust" I say it loudly -proudly "MY madeleine cake would b a bucket of Serax"

Now. Do you want to hear more about my childhood?
Press like on Facebook below.

*

Btw, the attorney left 2 messages on my vociemail. First asking me for a draft of my speech, then saying something about a choir and a key, that I'm supposed 2 have.



(Dress: Vintage Valentino)

Distant sounds of traffic woke me from my dreams. Outside, white sky and a breathtakingly clear day. I put on grannys old silk robe, the one she took from the set design of Ben Hur and then, I sit there.
By the pool. Alone by the pool. In the shade reading grannys old invitations 2 parties that Black found in the attic.

The 20 year anniversary of Bel Air Golf Club with Sinatra singing.
The première from the new italian designer Mr E. Armani.
A Cocktail with the cast for the Misfits at Chateau Marmont

And every minute, every letter I miss her more. Who do I miss? I miss granny, I miss my mother I miss myself when I was that kid with big blue eyes and firm belief that the mystery out there was a good one but most of all I miss Black.

I close my eyes and remember.

"Two kids reading too much Shakespeare, makin' perfume out of roses …"



If you want the password, go to my facebookpage 2 get it.
Just woke up, reflections of the pool in the ceiling. Decided 2 turn over and sleep some more.
Then Aloysius told me. Today is Facebook day. And it IS.

So all you readers, please be my friend HERE ON FACEBOOK.

*

Also I've been contacted for interviews. An LA based magazine, TV and a fashion magazine. Should I talk 2 them? I don't know.
Last month I've been talking to no-one but you, and I never felt as good. My words are yours. What should I do?
Love Anya

(Pants - Miu Miu)

Sitting in my back yard under the walnut tree sippin' granny's last Madeira. Humid air, sounds of the city far away. It's four in the morning. The nights are so quiet here in Hollywood. Damp and dark like the breath of a sleeping drunk.

I'm wearing my granny's 50's Vuitton dress.
Imagining how she sat in exactly the same spot back in the days. Only, her company was Frank Sinatra's brother and mine is a packet of Benson & Hedges and anxiety. Perhaps the difference is not that big.

*

Black is still missing and of course Aloysius is beside himself.
I'm workin' all evening on the speech 4 the funeral but can't keep HIM out of my head.

*

Evan.
I was 10 when my brother died. For years my memories felt like fever dreams: faces, smells, sounds and places all mixed up.

I know I spent a lot of time in our back yard. Must have been like two years altogether, but I have no idea WHAT I did there.
Until one day HE appeared in front of me. By the yellow painted fence, smoking a Lucky Strike. He was a couple of years older than me, fourteen perhaps but 2 me he looked like 25.
"I've been watching you" he said.
"Uh-hu." I mumbled.
"You don't get out much."
"My brother" I said to make him shut up and leave me alone "died last year."
"Well" he answered "I'm sure if u just feel sorry enough 4 yourself he'll come back 2 you."
Then he threw the cigarette down and walked away, whistling.
I just stood there. Sun in my face, wind in my ears, heart throbbing.
That was the first time I saw Evan, but not the last.

(Sweater - Rodebjer)

This morning I woke up with a weird feeling. Half asleep I climbed the canyon, almost reached the sign.
Now I sit here and watch the city inhale cars.
It's a lovely morning, ocean blue sky but all I see is the yellow fog on the horizon.

*

Black has disappeared. Said she was gonna go for a "walkabout". That was yesterday morning. I have no idea where she is.
As if that wasn't enough Aloysius is pestering me.
"You told her about ME." He whines. "You told her I love her and she ran away. Women always run away from men of strong feelings."
I tell him I didn't say a thing and that he is being paranoid.
"Well" he says "it's hard not 2 b paranoid when all womanhood is conspiring against me!"

*

And yeah - thought I saw Evan again, when I was on my way to the hill. Started walking up 2 him and then he turned and looked @ me.
"Trying to sneak up on me?" he said. It was an old man with a white beard.


I wake up to the sound of birds. The city hasn't even begun to heat up yet, but I can't go back to sleep. The FUNERAL is getting closer and it occupies my mind, like the troops of a foreign country.

In an attempt to fight the memories, me, Black and Aloysius decide to visit Silver Lake. After 3 glasses of Pinot on the rocks @ a small mexican bar I ALMOST forget about the funeral. Then Black suddenly points to something behind me, gets up and runs out, and as I turn around I can see the back of her (my) Charles Anastase dress disappear through the doors of a thrift store. Only seconds later she returns with a huge pink plastic bag in her hands.
"I found it" she shouts for the whole street to hear. "The perfect dress for the funeral!"

The "find" is a 50s wedding dress with all neon green flowers. My face goes blank.
"That's a wedding dress" I stammer.
"I know!" she says. "But I mean, isn't a funeral really exactly the same thing as a wedding, except that you celebrate one person instead of two… and that person happens to be dead.”
I try to make a sentence, but I'm out of words. Then my phone rings and saves me. It's the attorney!
"You won't believe this" he says "but..."

OH NO, now my stupid bear is making a scene (I think it's on purpose, he's always searching for "someone's" attention these days).

I'll have to continue this post later.


I know you're all dying 2 hear what Aloysius told me two nights ago.

I've told you about his mood swings, outbursts and most lately - various diseases. I've been alternating between irritation and worry. But enough is ENOUGH, so when he broke all rules by running away, ordering 200$ worth of tequila and then throwing up on my McQueen dress, I made it clear that if he didn't tell me what was wrong I would put him in the shower. Then, in the dusky light of the Roosevelt Hotel, with shaky voice and breath reeking of tequila, he told me...

The reason for his behavior is called LOVE, and the object of his affection is BLACK.
Ha ha ha. Oh my stupid, stupid bear.

"Is this why you refuse to eat?" I asked him. "Is this why you've started to dress like Oscar Wilde's lover?"
He looked at me, insulted. 
"No" he said "the reason I don't eat is that I think eating is bourgeois. And regarding my new look, lets just say that I'm not a child anymore."
"Ok" I forced myself not to laugh @ his pompous voice "but why didn't you TELL me?"
"I didn't want to make you jealous!"
"But darling Aloysius." I said. "Why would I be jealous? You are like a brother to me."
"Sisters and brothers" he said and looked me in the eyes "can lust for each other, even fornicate. It's in the bible."
I pretended I didn't hear the last remark and told him I'm happy for him and that he should let Black know. But THAT he of course wouldn't do. Instead he spent the entire DAY yesterday in front of the mirror, brushing his fur and adjusting the ridiculous bow tie she gave him.
"You've had that thing on 4 two weeks now, don't you think it starts to look sorta worn out?" I asked him this morning.
"This thing" he responded with an arrogant voice "makes this little bear look like a true grizzly."
I looked at the stained piece of cloth.
"Really?" I said. "Who told you?" But I already knew the answer. 

Oh christ. I don't know what is worse - him being sick or him being in love.



(Skirt: céline.)

TODAYS OUTFIT: head among the clouds.



What a night:

8 PM. Me and Black are in need of a break from the madness in my backyard (I'll tell you more about that… And Mr Mysterious/Sombrero guy and granny's will later), so we go for a few drinks @ the Roosevelt.
When the alcohol from four Bloody Marys runs through Black's veins she asks:
"Where's Aloysius?"
I stare @ his empty chair. Filled with panic I get up, find a security guard and press a 100 dollar bill in his hand, and as if by a stroke of magic EVERYONE is looking 4 my bear. Finally, when I'm already in tears, a bartender comes over with Aloysius in his arms.
"Is this yours?" he says.
I nod.
"Then I guess you owe me 180 dollars."
The insolent bear had managed to down four tequila. And he hadn't been satisfied with straight tequia. Oh NO. He had ordered 20 year Sauza Bianco @ 10$ per centiliter.
I'm so upset I don't even know if I'm angry or what.
"YOU STUPID BEAR" I scream while shaking him "Don't EVER do that again."
But he doesn't respond.
"Jesus, just tell me what's WRONG? Why are you doing all this?"
He gazes @ me and then @ Black, and then it looks like he's thinking.
"Ok" he says looking straight @ me "I'll tell u, but only 2 you, and I have to whisper."
"Sure" I say and he leans close to my ear.…
Ha ha ha. Its just to crazy.
You want 2 know what he said?



(Updated, really yesterdays post, but things happened. Tell u l8tr)
*

Wake up in a haze to a purple sky. KEY still clutching in my hand.
I walk over to the window, like in trance, only to find myself staring directly @ HIM. The guy from yesterday.

Still wearing the sombrero and still out there violating my yard and... pushing a lawn mover!?
I put on my Surface 2 Air pants and a t-shirt, walk down the stairs and out in the garden.
"Hey" I shout "what do you think you're doing?"
He points to the lawn mover and then 2 his ears as if he can't hear me. I walk over and turn off the machine.
"I said, what do you think you are doing?"
He looks at me, like he saw me 4 the first time.
"I" he says "am cutting the grass."
I bite my teeth.
"I can see that, but why on earth do you think gives you the right to break in and cut other peoples grass?"
He looks @ me like I'm a stupid kid.
"Hard work is good for u" he says. Then once again he let his eyes sweep across my body "you should try it sometime."
"That's not the point I…who the hell ARE you?"
"Well" he says "that's what they used to ask Stalin, and I can just repeat his words; a person can never be defined in so easy terms."

But I'm not listening. Suddenly it's like all dots in my head are aligned and I see the pattern.
It's night now
The golden key
The sombrero and...
Mr Mysterious

*

Look I'm a country now! http://www.sharenator.com/w/pneumoniawhite.blogspot.com

*

Next step, I guess, is to find out more about him. I'll ask Black to help me. The only thing I'm sure of is: I have seen Mr Mysterious before. But where?)


Photos from a project I'm doing right now. Do you recognize the bloggers? 10 golden blessings for the first one who does.

Light blue sky, like an ocean grave or the eyes of Madame du Barry. Granny's back yard is ominously quiet. I'm sipping my Madeira in a slow pace but my heart beats like a hunted bird's.
What a weird and dreamlike day so far, and it's only noon! When I have regained my mind I'll share the details with you, but until then:

*

I've been invited 2 a strange party in NY by Alexander McQueen in New York. They say I'm a star, and that the party is "Only 4 the perverted". Hmm...

*

Some gallerist liked the photos of my favorite bloggers (above) and wanted them to be featured @ an exhibition for Shane Wests birthday party @ Bardot.
"Shane West birthday"Black shouted from the bathroom. "That's so exciting I'm even gonna postpone my suicide plans!"

*

And oh - Aloysius is NOT getting better. After the episode on the lawn with Mr Mystery (I will tell you more soon) I went straight up to my Bear, woke him up and asked if he knew who was outside moving our lawn, but he just looked @ me with this haughty stare.
"The question of who is moving your owners lawn" he said in that stupid british accent he always uses when he wants to hurt me "is somewhat secondary when u are dying."

*

Oh well. So many things happening right now.



Me and Black by the pool.
It's late now and Bel Air is sleeping. Aloysius is inside tucked up in bed, still ill. Grinding his tiny teeth. Dreaming about whatever sick bears dream about.

We listen to the soft sounds of the night, crickets and cars far away on Cahuenga. I wear my gray McQueen and Black's dressed in…I don't know…some weird thing she found @ the vintage store downtown. Can't explain it…looks like the remnants of McQueen perhaps.

On the table between us, Chesterfields Reds and half bottle of Madeira.
Black takes a cigarette, lights it, inhales and blows the gray smoke towards the black sky.
"So" She holds the golden key into the light. "where do YOU think it fits?"
But forgive me. I'm tired and a little drunk and getting ahead of things. Let me tell u from the beginning.

*

It all started when me and Black got home an hour ago.
I parked the Camaro on the street, got out and then I suddenly saw this tiny golden key lying on the street. I picked it up. The metal cool against my skin. Drunkenly, in sort of a haze, I studied it like it was some kind of sign, and I am about 2 say something when Black points to a shadow just inside the gates and we open them and the auto floodlights is turned on, revealing a skinny guy in jeans, a tank top and a huge yellow Zapata sombrero sitting on the ground in the middle of the small gravel pathway leading up 2 the house.
In his left hand he holds an empty bottle of Jack. In his right, a small green Maracas.
"Excuse me" I say. He doesn't move.
"EXCUSE ME!" I say it a little louder and kick his left foot with my right one.
He looks up @ me. Stares @ me sort of absent minded 4 a moment. Then tips his hat.
"Ma'am, You're excused" he sez.
Then tilts his head down so the face disapears behind the hat. For a moment it's quiet again.
"I don't mean 2 b rude" I tell him "but this is MY house. You are sitting on MY property."
No answer.
"You can't SIT here" I say a little louder "It - is - MY - house."
No answer.
"I'll call the Pol..."
He slowly looks up again, straight @ me, his drunken eyes full of contempt.
"Has anyone ever told u" he says while staggering 2 his feet "that YOU are a LOUSY conversationalist."
He takes a few steps towards me and Black, then raises his right arm.
"All I ever wanted" he says "is to have some goddam PEACE and SILENCE and then they gimme THIS."
He shakes the green maracas in front of our faces a couple of times, then turns away and starts to walk TOWARDS the house.
I look @ Black with a face like: What is HAPPENING but she just shrugs. And then, as I watch the shadowy figure disappear around the corner I get this weird feeling of having seen that person before somewhere.

Then Black takes my hand, hiding the key between our palms. Her eyes beams with excitement.
"So where do YOU think it fits?"
But, no, that's NOT when it all started.

*

It actually started even earlier. This night. Me and Black, dressed like movie stars in Dolce Gabbana and Gaïa, @ the Chateau. We sip blood red sangria in a crowd of Khaki colored Valleypeople. Black laughs as I tell her…

…as I tell her how Daddy once knew one of the staff @ the Chateau, an old black guy with a tiny gray moustache, and how the guy always lend us the keys 2 the secret garden behind the lower part of the hotel where tiny but magical creatures like elves hid from Hollywood. How WE used 2 hide there as well. Just me and dad and Viktor, far away from mom's rage, until she had that forth martini she needed to survive "a world populated to 99% by idiots and the last percent by criminal idiots".

(I actually read about that garden the other week in a magazine. The article says: it belongs to the Chinese garden suites and was famous in the sixties as the place where an aging Sinatra used to fuck the wives of Burbank producers two @ the time. Which I guess is sort of what daddy told me, but in a nicer way than the tabloid.)

I tell Black that the last time me and dad went there I hid the key behind a stone in the wall, so that someday I could return. Her face shines with excitement.
"We must find the key" she says.
And then. In the dusky dawn we sneak between the attorneys, over the lush grass and into the shade by the wall which 2 my disappointment consists of approximately 1 billion bricks. I sigh, but Black's face still glows.
"Oh my god" she says "just look @ this, the key must b behind one of the stones!"
And without hesitation she starts to pull bricks out of the wall 2 find it.

*

Now we're back in the garden, staring @ the corner where Sombrero just disappeared. Blacks face is shining again, as she was looking @ the key.
"That's the thing with symbols" she's laughing now "I mean. When god wants 2 tell you something, he speaks in CAPITAL LETTERS"
I look @ the key.
"What do you mean?" I say.
"The key was not hidden behind a brick in the wall" she says, in a voice as if speaking to a very young child "There was NO need to push over that poor waiter or to be banned from the chateau. The key was here all along just in front of your doorstep."
"But where" I say "does it fit?"
"That is" she answers "the question."