(clothes: le petit petit. sunglasses: chanel)

I love u

Loved ones. I think u have seen it coming. By the time your read this my life on this blog will be over.

There are many reasons. Most of them just hinted in the vague threats by my lawyer. I tell u, there are MANY things my part of Hollowood don't want the world to know. (And there's no shortage of lawyers here either). And as much as I don't WANT 2 care about those things, I do. I'm spoiled and afraid, and ever since Black disappeared, I'm also lonely.

Also, this blog has grown to big for me. Every DAY I get mails from around the world telling me what a rich bitch I am. And  even WORSE: Everyday I get mails telling me how beautiful I am. How people look up to me. But I am NO Role Model. I'm an anxiety ridden wreck that runs on fantasies and self-loathing.

(There are also other things, weird dreams that started to come alive with this blog, and that I hope will die with it)

All this aside, YOU have changed my life for the better, and THAT I can never repay. If I EVER get my life back, I'll b back, right here, with U, the only place I felt safe, in a long time.

Love and blessings
Pneumonia

Dark sky, Madeira by the pool. The days without Black are starting 2 feel like one long red-wine soaked autumn.

I have some news about the FUNERAL, but first.

*

I've gotten many comments and emails asking me 4 more romance in general and more Evan in particular. I'll tell u more about that very soon, until then, let me tell u about my Paris BF.

*

"Johnny with a J" he called himself, pronounced with a VERY french accent. Maybe the name should've been a warning signal, but I was drunk and sad and found it sort of endearing.

Anyway. I remember Johnny wore 600$ Louis Vuitton slippers, smoked black tobacco and could stare in AWE @ his own naked body in the mirror for hours.
"You KNOW it's only an urban legend" i once said "in REALITY the male genitalia don't grow larger by u staring @ them"

*

And I remember Johnny's fist hitting my still open mouth. The weird sound, the taste of metal.

And I remember smudging the blood from my lips to my white dress asking if he thought it matched my shoes?
And I remember him answering that question by stating that I was a "fucking mental case" It was a term he had picked up in a british movie and used about most people that did anything he didn't understand (roughly the entire population of France and, ok, all other countries)
But in my case I guess he was spot on. Not even a hobby psychiatrist could dispute THAT diagnosis.

It was, all in all, the most memorable experience in our relationship.

*

Back home I tell Zombie the story of Johnny and he asks what made me so horny for affirmation.
"I'm a horny girl." I say.
"Well don't look @ ME with those droopy eyes" he sez "I havn't been inside a woman since my first birthday, and she did NOT seem to enjoy it."
And I say "ha ha ha"
"Speaking of pain" he sez "do you wanna go to that Dior party?"

And against all sound judgement (must b the temperature) I hear myself say "sure".

So saturday me and Zombie are off to Dior.
I've got a feeling it's gonna b memorable.

I can't STAND it. The heat makes me dizzy. I take granny's old -47 Buick Cabriolet out of the garage and I KNOW it's a mistake, something that will have consequences (I vaguely remember something the gardener said bout oil pressure and brakes) but I can't think straight and I need 2 get away.

*

Then I drive north up Roscomare, fast, under the huge sycamore trees and it is strange cause it feels like I'm looking 4 something even though I'm NOT. (You know, like in a dream when u know that something's gonna happen even though you DON'T know) but I don't care because I look beautiful, dressed in my red Celine matching the white leather interior and I drive even faster uphills, along the park towards the canyon.

*

Winding road, cacti skyline, smells of asphalt and dead bushes and then, suddenly, I REMEMBER. I pull over 2 the side of the road and then I'm there, as if I never left -

*

I'm in the back seat of the same car, but the sun. It's different 'cause it's still 1996 and the white leather is hot against the thin white fabric of my Prada dress. Viktor is by my side, of course (he's ALWAYS next 2 me in my memories) holding my hand hard as the car speed up on the narrow road.
Between us is Aloysius but HE can't talk yet - no, not until after Viktor's funeral - but he smiles @ our fear, and his smile makes US smile and then daddy turns halfway towards us, half towards mother.
"There it is!" he sez pointing proudly, breath stingy with Gogol vodka "do you see it kids? The only sign the whole world knows how 2 spell"
And we watch, in awe. H-o-l-l-y-w-o-o-d the letters spell but the whole world doesn't include ME and VIKTOR cause 2 us it's no more than some weird wooden symbols and then mother shouts.
"Keep your eyes on the road you idiot" and daddy yanks the steering wheel, saving us all from being another figure in the Mulholland Drive Crash Statistics down @ BA police station and then we all giggle, half in relief and half cause we are a FAMILY and we giggle @ each others peculiarities, like daddy being an absentminded drunk that quite often almost kills us all.

*

The honking of a truck wakes me up and I realize I'm sort of parked in the middle of the road, and THEN I see the bird. He's sitting on the edge of the ditch just in front of me, gray feathers shining like metal dust and when he sees me he spreads his wings and disappears and I just gaze after him, but then the truck honks again so I give it the finger, start the engine and drive towards the sign and the sadness of my memories is transformed into something… else and then I open my hand.

And I look @ the golden key.
And for the first time, it hits me. I think I know where it fits!

Can't sleep.

It's that stupid gray bird. He's out there in the darkness somewhere hidin' and just as I'm about to doze off he makes this sad cry as 2 remind me my own loneliness.

What's the cure 4 insomnia?

(Dress: The salvation army)

As you remember, Black, my best friend and Achilles left me a week ago. Said she was going 4 a walkabout. Well, today the loneliness of grannie's house was 2 much 4 me, and I went down 2 Chateau 2 try their vodka in the company of… well… myself… and I must've been good company, because I  don't think it was more than 2 p.m. before I was really drunk and just sat there, by the pool trying (as now) not 2 think of Viktor and dad and granny, when I saw a dark figure in the corner of my eye and I turned just in time 2 see her disappear behind the wall.

*

I know it can't b her but I know it's her, and I follow her and when I'm @ the corner I see her.
She's by her car stuffing huge crates of something into the trunk, but she doesn't see me and I'm just about 2 shout when I feel a hand gripping my shoulder and I turn and it's…
Evan?

*

I close my eyes (the sun against my eyelids, the color of blood) but when I open them he's still there.
He puts his finger over his lips like he wants 2 silence me and then points 2 something up on the hotel roof.
A gray bird?
And I stare @ the bird like, I don't know, it's supposed 2 mean something.
Then I look back and Evan is gone and Black is gone and instead there is this small mexican guy politely (but with some ice in his voice) asking me if "I want the check before I leave".

(Dress: Malo SS 2009)

HEAT. Sweat, flesh and no where 2 hide. @ least not outside.
So I spent the morning walking through granny's wardrobes. Smell of mothballs, old perfume and expensive fabric.
As I walked in and out of the walk-through closets I realized.
Must b a million $ only in FABRIC there.

*

Btw, the other day by the pool.
It WAS the attorney callin' . Of course.
"Do you have it?" he asked and I froze. DID I have it?
I went inside and I looked in the drawer and THERE it was. How could I've forgotten? I took the tiny golden key in my hand, it felt weirdly heavy and quite cold against the skin of my palm.
"Sure" I said "I've got it.
I tried to say it casual, but my heart pounded violently.
"Now what do you want me I do with it?"
"Hold on to it" he said.
And b4 I could say anything else he hung up and I just stood there, heart still pounding. Was I dreaming?

(Jacket from Le Petit Petit, Sunglasses from Cutler and Gross)

This morning I woke up with the feeling that TODAY something had changed, something subtle, something I didn't understand yet. I got to my feet and put on one of granny's Vuitton robes and went out into the garden and dived into the pool and not until THEN, when the white whirling water surrounded me did I start to remember...

The phone call from Black. 
The bird in the garden. (The same one as in Karelia?)
The dream I will tell u about l8tr.

Then I got up from the pool and Zombie stood there waiting.
"Some old man" he said, holdin up my cell "wants 2 talk 2 u."

******
"I've caught Pneumonia"
So many of you write beautiful things about me. I'm gonna try linkin to SOME of you.
http://thewildchilddiaries.blogspot.com/2011/08/ive-caught-pneumonia.html
http://textbook.tumblr.com/post/8083910943/pneumonia-white-worth-the-read
http://www.itgirlsinterrupted.com/2011/07/pneumonia-white.html
http://mysticmedusa.com/tag/pneumonia-white-horoscopes/

If you written how cute I am, please mail me, my need for AFFIRMATION is bottomless.


******
UPDATE; Sorry in my head it's all so clear, or maybe not but ok: Zombie = Sombreoguy = Mr (even more) Mysterious.
I think it's time I tell you about Zombie.

(Dress: Alice + Olivia)

Sittin on my bed, heart beating, staring @ my phone, sweating.
Yes. Grannys aircondition is broke AGAIN and five mexican "repairmen" succeeded in no more than expressing in different ways how "old old old" the system was and opening my windows towards the garden, but the faint night breeze barely moves the linen curtains and the damp august heat makes my thoughts slow and my body heavy and as I stare @ the phone I still can't belive it.

SHE called.

Yes. Just a minute ago!
I was almost asleep when my cell rang. Half dreaming, with a weird feelin. I reached 4 it and I was SURE it was the attorney. (He's b'n callin me all day about the FUNERAL and how some "choir" needs 2 c my speech) but I DON'T wanna talk abouth DEATH in this heat and I was just about 2 shut off the phone of when I saw the name.

BLACK

And I answered.
"Hello?" I whispered.
"Hey darlin" her voice warm and dark and calm as always "how u doin?"
Mouth dry.
"I'm…I'm…" I stammered quietly, then I couldn't hold back.
"…where ARE u Black?" I almost wept "What r u DOIN? Come back 2 me, I miss u and…"
I had 2 force back my tears so she didn't hear how helpless I felt but I couldn't help hearing her smiling there in the darkness on the other end of the line.
"I'm where I have to b my love" she said "and I'll b back when I've finished the things I have 2 finish. Until then I want 2 ask you 2 b strong and call the attorney. He's got news 4 you."
"T..t…the attorney? But what do u know of the attorney, and why?"
But as I spoke I knew she had already hung up. And then I sat there in the humid darkness, staring @ the phone.

Somewhere in the garden a bird screeched.
What is happening?

(Basque: Agent Provocatore. Panties: La Perla. Lingerie war!)

I remember lit class back in Karelia.
"Everyone" teacher sez "has their own Madeleine cake. Just close your eyes and try 2 remember".
And everyone remembers. Blueberry pie, freshly picked green tomatoes, the smell of bread in the oven and then it's my turn and I close my eyes and then I remember.
"If I were Proust" I say it loudly -proudly "MY madeleine cake would b a bucket of Serax"

Now. Do you want to hear more about my childhood?
Press like on Facebook below.

*

Btw, the attorney left 2 messages on my vociemail. First asking me for a draft of my speech, then saying something about a choir and a key, that I'm supposed 2 have.

(Sweater - Rodebjer)

This morning I woke up with a weird feeling. Half asleep I climbed the canyon, almost reached the sign.
Now I sit here and watch the city inhale cars.
It's a lovely morning, ocean blue sky but all I see is the yellow fog on the horizon.

*

Black has disappeared. Said she was gonna go for a "walkabout". That was yesterday morning. I have no idea where she is.
As if that wasn't enough Aloysius is pestering me.
"You told her about ME." He whines. "You told her I love her and she ran away. Women always run away from men of strong feelings."
I tell him I didn't say a thing and that he is being paranoid.
"Well" he says "it's hard not 2 b paranoid when all womanhood is conspiring against me!"

*

And yeah - thought I saw Evan again, when I was on my way to the hill. Started walking up 2 him and then he turned and looked @ me.
"Trying to sneak up on me?" he said. It was an old man with a white beard.

I wake up to the sound of birds. The city hasn't even begun to heat up yet, but I can't go back to sleep. The FUNERAL is getting closer and it occupies my mind, like the troops of a foreign country.

In an attempt to fight the memories, me, Black and Aloysius decide to visit Silver Lake. After 3 glasses of Pinot on the rocks @ a small mexican bar I ALMOST forget about the funeral. Then Black suddenly points to something behind me, gets up and runs out, and as I turn around I can see the back of her (my) Charles Anastase dress disappear through the doors of a thrift store. Only seconds later she returns with a huge pink plastic bag in her hands.
"I found it" she shouts for the whole street to hear. "The perfect dress for the funeral!"

The "find" is a 50s wedding dress with all neon green flowers. My face goes blank.
"That's a wedding dress" I stammer.
"I know!" she says. "But I mean, isn't a funeral really exactly the same thing as a wedding, except that you celebrate one person instead of two… and that person happens to be dead.”
I try to make a sentence, but I'm out of words. Then my phone rings and saves me. It's the attorney!
"You won't believe this" he says "but..."

OH NO, now my stupid bear is making a scene (I think it's on purpose, he's always searching for "someone's" attention these days).

I'll have to continue this post later.

What a night:

8 PM. Me and Black are in need of a break from the madness in my backyard (I'll tell you more about that… And Mr Mysterious/Sombrero guy and granny's will later), so we go for a few drinks @ the Roosevelt.
When the alcohol from four Bloody Marys runs through Black's veins she asks:
"Where's Aloysius?"
I stare @ his empty chair. Filled with panic I get up, find a security guard and press a 100 dollar bill in his hand, and as if by a stroke of magic EVERYONE is looking 4 my bear. Finally, when I'm already in tears, a bartender comes over with Aloysius in his arms.
"Is this yours?" he says.
I nod.
"Then I guess you owe me 180 dollars."
The insolent bear had managed to down four tequila. And he hadn't been satisfied with straight tequia. Oh NO. He had ordered 20 year Sauza Bianco @ 10$ per centiliter.
I'm so upset I don't even know if I'm angry or what.
"YOU STUPID BEAR" I scream while shaking him "Don't EVER do that again."
But he doesn't respond.
"Jesus, just tell me what's WRONG? Why are you doing all this?"
He gazes @ me and then @ Black, and then it looks like he's thinking.
"Ok" he says looking straight @ me "I'll tell u, but only 2 you, and I have to whisper."
"Sure" I say and he leans close to my ear.…
Ha ha ha. Its just to crazy.
You want 2 know what he said?

We're in the small ward of Hope for Kids hospital. The sky outside the windows is watercolor blue but inside everything is white. The doctor gives me a serious look and tells me that there's nothing 2 be done, and my heart stops.
"N…n…nothing?"
"No" he says solemnly almost with a hint of anger "because this is a REAL hospital, and we don't treat teddybears."
I look around in the small room until I understand it must be Aloysius he's talking about. I show him the pad of 100$ bills Black convinced me to bring. He nods, still solemly.
"The advantages of America's system with private hostpitals" he says "is we can always make exceptions 4 the truly needy."

*

Now me and Black are in the car. Roof down. Aloysius is next to me, under two blankets, wearing a huge bandage. If he's feeling better though is hard to say.

*

No word from the attorney. The date for the funeral is still the 32:nd of august and he is still in Hawaii.

(Tonights outfit: star constellations. Dress from Dolce & Gabbana.)

Sitting in granny's old rattan chair by the pool under the stars. Aloysius rests under a blanket in my arms, half dreaming, half sleeping. His little body hot and sweaty. Heart ticking like a humming birds.
(As a soporific drug I gave him a tiny shot of Madeira. Now I'm having the rest of my bottle 4 myself)
I watch constellations of the night sky. Chained Princess, Little Bear.

*

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I have an appointment for Aloysius @ Hope for Kids tomorrow. I hope they'll find out what's wrong with him.

Me and Black @ Rodeo Dr, hand in hand, with hats on our heads and sun at our backs. Lately I've been possessed by a vague feeling of delusion, but shopping takes it away for a moment. However, Black had one too many glasses of Dom Pérignon @ Dolce&Gabbana and tried to "ascend" the chandelier.
Later we walked the battleground of dreadful shoes @ Guess. Black bought every pair and asked the confused salesclerk to throw them away, "so no poor drunkie happens to buy them."
Thank god she didn't enter Chanel.

Good news!
You know I've been telling you about the mysterious lodger in granny’s guestroom in the left wing. I've gathered some clues, but far from anything crucial. Like, he eats bear food and owns a Persian cat. I've suspected our gardener, and even Black, but this morning, something happened!

It started by me finding a note on the kitchen table.
"Dear idiot!
If you must insist on proving to the world that you are an intellectual wannabe with father issues, I beg u do it with something causing less collateral damage than playing Sjostakovitj #5. Actually I beg u 2 move out and never 2 come back."

The note itself wasn't that much of a clue BUT it was held to the table by an empty bottle of Madeira wine, and THAT is the wine that I drink. And the reason that I drink it is that my family drinks it. In fact, my family is the only people left in this world who still drinks Madeira!

Ergo: Mr. Mysterious MUST be a relative!

***

Btw: New to this. What bloggers should I follow?

Yesterday @ a dark cafe in Los Feliz: a prehistoric scent of dust and tobacco. Attorney wears the same checked suit that reeks of sweat as he always does. I wear my white Charles Anastase "Virgin Dress". With sleeves dipped in red wine I feel like a hurt fairy.
"Did you bring the guest list?" I ask him, like I'm talking about some fancy event and not the funeral of my granny. He hands me a soiled paper and I eye through it; me, Black, the gardener, a bunch of granny’s old friends, some distant relatives and HIS name. It hits me like a shot of absinthe. I just stare at a square of the attorney’s ugly suit.
“Are you okay, Miss?” The attorney asks me. I manage to nod.
“I'm… Great! Then I guess you have it all, I’ll call you if something comes up!”
He cheers and starts to wail towards his unexpectedly fancy car.
“Oh, I almost forgot. You're going to hold a speech” he says, turns around, hands me a paper and then walks away.
"Wait!" I shout. "This is just a blank paper." Attorney stops. But he doesn't look at me.
"All good speeches start that way." He says in a weird tone.

*

(But THAT name on the list. E Hunter. He was the love of my life. I’m confused. WHY would granny want HIM on her funeral? Is this how it is when people laughs from heaven?
I'll tell you more tomorrow. Hope you can HELP me sorting this out.)

The Chanel party. Just as luxurious as the invitation suggested. Hidden in the garden behind the store. Lush greenery. Scents of flowers and perfume. String Quartet playing Bach in front of grannys old friends. More war diamonds than in the Sierra Leone town hall.

Four VERY smily women welcomes us. Me in my Dior and Black in some weird army suit.
"So happy you could join us!" They smile and try not to look @ Blacks outfit.
"Just give us the champagne" black snorts.

After about eight glasses more, the well-combed staff looks sort of reluctant to come Blacks way. Black waves, but gets no attention. She turns towards the SMILING guy in front holding some speech about what a CREATIVE woman Coco was. How her sense of style dragged her from her misery. I see how Blacks eyes get darker.
"You could say a lot of Coco" Black shouts "but she wouldn't have let her party guests go thirsty!"
The audience turns towards us. 200 disgusted eyes.
I want to disappear, vanish, but the guy don't lose a beat.
"So you like our champagne" he begins, with a sardonic voice, but he has missed on Blacks mood.

"Yeah we like champagne" black interrupts him. "But yours? Well I guess you are right about Cocos CREATIVITY. I mean how she used the Nazi occupation of Paris to fuck half the occupation government and @ the same time get control of some lucrative perfume business by having the owners sent of to Auschwitz and their shares given to the "aryan" Coco. I mean, it's THEIR perfume money that still pays for this party, so just GIMME some fucking CHAMPAGNE will you?"

While the smiling ladies (not smiling anymore) are leading us out, Black seems in a festive mood.
"Thank you ladies" she says "I'm sure Coco would appreciate your sense of tradition, I mean the fact that you all still are FASCISTS here!!"

(And readers: how do you like this? I'm hesitating to write everything black does, it's like she does more outrageous things just because she knows I'll write about it. Like she's starting to act like a character in a book or something? What do you think?)

Back home I just stare at her in confusion and suddenly I notice. It's something with her eyes, an hazy sharpness that I can’t remember from when we were young.
"Please Black,” I say "if something happened when I was away you must tell me."
"Something happened?" she mocks me "Happened like sex? Oh I know what you wanna hear… so it was @ Bardot. Me and Perez Hilton had just..."
I shrug trying not to laugh.
"Seriously" I say "if there is something..."
"Ok YOU tell me" she snaps "tell me about Viktor. Tell me about how he used to read night time stories for you while you crossed seas in a bird of steel. Tell me about his smile, about his…"

But I don't hear her anymore. I'm out of the room.

*

Why is she like this? It's like the only thing we can do is to party. As soon as something even vaguely serious comes up she runs away.

*

Well. If that's the way it's going to be, fine! Tomorrow we're going to Chanel’s Party @ Rodeo Drive. I've gotten a hand written invitation. Well, ok, it's for granny, but I'm the heir, right?

Drove to the 99cent store and filled the truck with everything from root beer to water pistols, placed a few tables on the lawn and painted a sign. ”Seven11 - Black & White edition” in glitter colors. Dressed in couture Versace and a Darth Vader mask, Black knocked on every door in the neighborhood and handed out discount cards.
”A new store just opened around the corner! It has everything you will ever need AND more!” She shouted in their faces.

But it went all to blazes. We didn’t sell a thing. Probably because no one knew the secret password for entrance.

"Idiots." Black whispered to me. "Barbosa - how can ppl NOT get that? It's so easy."

When the heat of the Darth Vader disguise got unbearable we decided to declare bankruptcy. Gave all the stuff to the gardener. He threw them in the bin.

*

Tonight double sided Pneumonia hits Chateau Marmont. Will I see you there?