(clothes: le petit petit. sunglasses: chanel)

I love u

Loved ones. I think u have seen it coming. By the time your read this my life on this blog will be over.

There are many reasons. Most of them just hinted in the vague threats by my lawyer. I tell u, there are MANY things my part of Hollowood don't want the world to know. (And there's no shortage of lawyers here either). And as much as I don't WANT 2 care about those things, I do. I'm spoiled and afraid, and ever since Black disappeared, I'm also lonely.

Also, this blog has grown to big for me. Every DAY I get mails from around the world telling me what a rich bitch I am. And  even WORSE: Everyday I get mails telling me how beautiful I am. How people look up to me. But I am NO Role Model. I'm an anxiety ridden wreck that runs on fantasies and self-loathing.

(There are also other things, weird dreams that started to come alive with this blog, and that I hope will die with it)

All this aside, YOU have changed my life for the better, and THAT I can never repay. If I EVER get my life back, I'll b back, right here, with U, the only place I felt safe, in a long time.

Love and blessings
Pneumonia

(Nightgown: vintage Christian Dior)

TODAYS OUTFIT: In a rusty metal box behind the collected works of Shakespeare I find a bottle of perfume. With dusty, shaky fingers I remove the cap and let one drop fall into my left palm. Then I lick it. Mouth filled with a faint taste of roses and sweat.

(Skirt - bleached Haider Ackermann)

Sorry I keep you waiting. There's a storm in my head.

(Dress: Alice + Olivia)

Sittin on my bed, heart beating, staring @ my phone, sweating.
Yes. Grannys aircondition is broke AGAIN and five mexican "repairmen" succeeded in no more than expressing in different ways how "old old old" the system was and opening my windows towards the garden, but the faint night breeze barely moves the linen curtains and the damp august heat makes my thoughts slow and my body heavy and as I stare @ the phone I still can't belive it.

SHE called.

Yes. Just a minute ago!
I was almost asleep when my cell rang. Half dreaming, with a weird feelin. I reached 4 it and I was SURE it was the attorney. (He's b'n callin me all day about the FUNERAL and how some "choir" needs 2 c my speech) but I DON'T wanna talk abouth DEATH in this heat and I was just about 2 shut off the phone of when I saw the name.

BLACK

And I answered.
"Hello?" I whispered.
"Hey darlin" her voice warm and dark and calm as always "how u doin?"
Mouth dry.
"I'm…I'm…" I stammered quietly, then I couldn't hold back.
"…where ARE u Black?" I almost wept "What r u DOIN? Come back 2 me, I miss u and…"
I had 2 force back my tears so she didn't hear how helpless I felt but I couldn't help hearing her smiling there in the darkness on the other end of the line.
"I'm where I have to b my love" she said "and I'll b back when I've finished the things I have 2 finish. Until then I want 2 ask you 2 b strong and call the attorney. He's got news 4 you."
"T..t…the attorney? But what do u know of the attorney, and why?"
But as I spoke I knew she had already hung up. And then I sat there in the humid darkness, staring @ the phone.

Somewhere in the garden a bird screeched.
What is happening?

(Cape: M M Margiela)

I have big news coming up. Stay tuned my baby bunnies!

(Skirt: céline.)

TODAYS OUTFIT: head among the clouds.

Photos from a project I'm doing right now. Do you recognize the bloggers? 10 golden blessings for the first one who does.

Light blue sky, like an ocean grave or the eyes of Madame du Barry. Granny's back yard is ominously quiet. I'm sipping my Madeira in a slow pace but my heart beats like a hunted bird's.
What a weird and dreamlike day so far, and it's only noon! When I have regained my mind I'll share the details with you, but until then:

*

I've been invited 2 a strange party in NY by Alexander McQueen in New York. They say I'm a star, and that the party is "Only 4 the perverted". Hmm...

*

Some gallerist liked the photos of my favorite bloggers (above) and wanted them to be featured @ an exhibition for Shane Wests birthday party @ Bardot.
"Shane West birthday"Black shouted from the bathroom. "That's so exciting I'm even gonna postpone my suicide plans!"

*

And oh - Aloysius is NOT getting better. After the episode on the lawn with Mr Mystery (I will tell you more soon) I went straight up to my Bear, woke him up and asked if he knew who was outside moving our lawn, but he just looked @ me with this haughty stare.
"The question of who is moving your owners lawn" he said in that stupid british accent he always uses when he wants to hurt me "is somewhat secondary when u are dying."

*

Oh well. So many things happening right now.

(Dresses: Granny's nightgowns)

Darkness and a tar gray sky. Smell of orangeflowers and newly cut grass and...and something is happening in the backyard guesthouse! The little vine covered white house that's locked, but where I suspect Mr. Mysterious lives. First, when I was just about 2 fall asleep, strange silouettes danced on the ceiling, then I thought I heard a scream.

Half awake, half dreaming I went over 2 the window, pulled aside the white curtains. The yard was still in the moonlight. I was just about 2 go back to bed, then I heard it.

A loud thumping sound, then silence, then a weird giggling, like from a little girl. Then a muffled voice sounding like it spoke in german, then giggles, then silence. I'm sure it came from the house.

I tried waking Black, but it was just not possible. Then I GAVE IN and asked Aloysius 2 come with me. But he just looked @ me with that insolent stare he's been giving me the last couple of days and turned over and went back 2 sleep.

And I don't want 2 go out there alone. Jesus, what if it's a murderer, a burglar, or even worse, one of the neighbors.

(Dress - Kain. Glasses - Cutler and Gross)

TODAYS OUTFIT: swan lake #2

(Dress + jacket - Dolce & Gabbana SS11)

Black has gone to meet her family and left me all alone. My head is sore but my mind is enlightened from yesterday at Paul & André. In the middle of the night I got this strange call, I can’t tell you yet what it was about, but it has to do with granny. Made me wake up in a sad mood. Now I’m on my way downtown to shop for funeral clothes.

TODAYS OUTFIT: swan lake

(Me: Theyskens' Theory jacket. Black: Salvation Army)

Now we gonna get dressed for Marmont!

(Lace jackets - something mom made)

"I'm about what goes through people's minds, the stuff that people don't want to admit or face up to. The shows are about what's buried in people's psyches."
McQueen

(Me: Viktor’s favorite tee and a skirt/mantle that is some old Kenzo thing I found in granny’s wardrobe.
Black: Tee from Comme des Garçons and a headpiece she found on the street)

Argh. Seems like no good thing can enter my life without dragging a whole wagon of problems with it. Now it's Aloysius. He hasn't eaten all day, not even his Coco Pops. When I speak to him he doesn't answer, just sits sulking in a corner. I'm starting to think he just can't stand me being happy.
But happy I am. Me and Black spent the day shopping and drinkin' Pinot down in Silver Lake. I got a new jacket from McQueen and a hat from the 99cent store. Black got three bottles of Rum.
Now we're gonna watch some Audrey Hepburn movie.

Ps. I'll pick the winner of this treasure on Monday.

2005. When the structure of math or the insanity of religion appeared to be real we left the classroom (Black like a tempest and me like a breeze) for some SS Ann Demeulemeester at Barneys. She used to steal a box of Vosges Haut that we shared while walking down Wilshire Blvd.

Eight years later outside the same Barneys. 81 degrees and I don't eat expensive chocolate but smoke six Camel Blue. As I enter the doors the blood in my veins turns into ice tea.
"Can I help you miss?" The salesclerk asks.
"I'm looking for something cool to wear at my grandmothers funeral." I say.
Maybe I should get a cloud from Margiela Fall 2009 to hide my head from ppl who don't understand me.

(cardigan: YSL vintage + rest: thrift store)

Just came back from the Perro Del Mar Mexican bar where me and Black used to hang out as 14 year olds. A dirty little place at Sunset with a stuffed alligator hangin from the ceiling with a huge joint between his teeth. The bartender used to help us with our lab reports and drive us home after our eyes where blinded by the bootleg Tequila he kept 4 his preferred customers. Like Danny De Vito that used the place to get the kind of drunk that wheren't suitable in the garden parties of the hills.

But today the place was totally cleaned out. "Genuine mexican bar since 1892", special price on Corona but no sign of Black.

TODAYS OUTFIT: searching for heaven

(Chloé skirt + Proenza dress)

TODAYS OUTFIT: a funeral for the past.