(Pants - Miu Miu)

Sitting in my back yard under the walnut tree sippin' granny's last Madeira. Humid air, sounds of the city far away. It's four in the morning. The nights are so quiet here in Hollywood. Damp and dark like the breath of a sleeping drunk.

I'm wearing my granny's 50's Vuitton dress.
Imagining how she sat in exactly the same spot back in the days. Only, her company was Frank Sinatra's brother and mine is a packet of Benson & Hedges and anxiety. Perhaps the difference is not that big.

*

Black is still missing and of course Aloysius is beside himself.
I'm workin' all evening on the speech 4 the funeral but can't keep HIM out of my head.

*

Evan.
I was 10 when my brother died. For years my memories felt like fever dreams: faces, smells, sounds and places all mixed up.

I know I spent a lot of time in our back yard. Must have been like two years altogether, but I have no idea WHAT I did there.
Until one day HE appeared in front of me. By the yellow painted fence, smoking a Lucky Strike. He was a couple of years older than me, fourteen perhaps but 2 me he looked like 25.
"I've been watching you" he said.
"Uh-hu." I mumbled.
"You don't get out much."
"My brother" I said to make him shut up and leave me alone "died last year."
"Well" he answered "I'm sure if u just feel sorry enough 4 yourself he'll come back 2 you."
Then he threw the cigarette down and walked away, whistling.
I just stood there. Sun in my face, wind in my ears, heart throbbing.
That was the first time I saw Evan, but not the last.

I know you're all dying 2 hear what Aloysius told me two nights ago.

I've told you about his mood swings, outbursts and most lately - various diseases. I've been alternating between irritation and worry. But enough is ENOUGH, so when he broke all rules by running away, ordering 200$ worth of tequila and then throwing up on my McQueen dress, I made it clear that if he didn't tell me what was wrong I would put him in the shower. Then, in the dusky light of the Roosevelt Hotel, with shaky voice and breath reeking of tequila, he told me...

The reason for his behavior is called LOVE, and the object of his affection is BLACK.
Ha ha ha. Oh my stupid, stupid bear.

"Is this why you refuse to eat?" I asked him. "Is this why you've started to dress like Oscar Wilde's lover?"
He looked at me, insulted. 
"No" he said "the reason I don't eat is that I think eating is bourgeois. And regarding my new look, lets just say that I'm not a child anymore."
"Ok" I forced myself not to laugh @ his pompous voice "but why didn't you TELL me?"
"I didn't want to make you jealous!"
"But darling Aloysius." I said. "Why would I be jealous? You are like a brother to me."
"Sisters and brothers" he said and looked me in the eyes "can lust for each other, even fornicate. It's in the bible."
I pretended I didn't hear the last remark and told him I'm happy for him and that he should let Black know. But THAT he of course wouldn't do. Instead he spent the entire DAY yesterday in front of the mirror, brushing his fur and adjusting the ridiculous bow tie she gave him.
"You've had that thing on 4 two weeks now, don't you think it starts to look sorta worn out?" I asked him this morning.
"This thing" he responded with an arrogant voice "makes this little bear look like a true grizzly."
I looked at the stained piece of cloth.
"Really?" I said. "Who told you?" But I already knew the answer. 

Oh christ. I don't know what is worse - him being sick or him being in love.

What a night:

8 PM. Me and Black are in need of a break from the madness in my backyard (I'll tell you more about that… And Mr Mysterious/Sombrero guy and granny's will later), so we go for a few drinks @ the Roosevelt.
When the alcohol from four Bloody Marys runs through Black's veins she asks:
"Where's Aloysius?"
I stare @ his empty chair. Filled with panic I get up, find a security guard and press a 100 dollar bill in his hand, and as if by a stroke of magic EVERYONE is looking 4 my bear. Finally, when I'm already in tears, a bartender comes over with Aloysius in his arms.
"Is this yours?" he says.
I nod.
"Then I guess you owe me 180 dollars."
The insolent bear had managed to down four tequila. And he hadn't been satisfied with straight tequia. Oh NO. He had ordered 20 year Sauza Bianco @ 10$ per centiliter.
I'm so upset I don't even know if I'm angry or what.
"YOU STUPID BEAR" I scream while shaking him "Don't EVER do that again."
But he doesn't respond.
"Jesus, just tell me what's WRONG? Why are you doing all this?"
He gazes @ me and then @ Black, and then it looks like he's thinking.
"Ok" he says looking straight @ me "I'll tell u, but only 2 you, and I have to whisper."
"Sure" I say and he leans close to my ear.…
Ha ha ha. Its just to crazy.
You want 2 know what he said?

Photos from a project I'm doing right now. Do you recognize the bloggers? 10 golden blessings for the first one who does.

Light blue sky, like an ocean grave or the eyes of Madame du Barry. Granny's back yard is ominously quiet. I'm sipping my Madeira in a slow pace but my heart beats like a hunted bird's.
What a weird and dreamlike day so far, and it's only noon! When I have regained my mind I'll share the details with you, but until then:

*

I've been invited 2 a strange party in NY by Alexander McQueen in New York. They say I'm a star, and that the party is "Only 4 the perverted". Hmm...

*

Some gallerist liked the photos of my favorite bloggers (above) and wanted them to be featured @ an exhibition for Shane Wests birthday party @ Bardot.
"Shane West birthday"Black shouted from the bathroom. "That's so exciting I'm even gonna postpone my suicide plans!"

*

And oh - Aloysius is NOT getting better. After the episode on the lawn with Mr Mystery (I will tell you more soon) I went straight up to my Bear, woke him up and asked if he knew who was outside moving our lawn, but he just looked @ me with this haughty stare.
"The question of who is moving your owners lawn" he said in that stupid british accent he always uses when he wants to hurt me "is somewhat secondary when u are dying."

*

Oh well. So many things happening right now.

Me and Black by the pool.
It's late now and Bel Air is sleeping. Aloysius is inside tucked up in bed, still ill. Grinding his tiny teeth. Dreaming about whatever sick bears dream about.

We listen to the soft sounds of the night, crickets and cars far away on Cahuenga. I wear my gray McQueen and Black's dressed in…I don't know…some weird thing she found @ the vintage store downtown. Can't explain it…looks like the remnants of McQueen perhaps.

On the table between us, Chesterfields Reds and half bottle of Madeira.
Black takes a cigarette, lights it, inhales and blows the gray smoke towards the black sky.
"So" She holds the golden key into the light. "where do YOU think it fits?"
But forgive me. I'm tired and a little drunk and getting ahead of things. Let me tell u from the beginning.

*

It all started when me and Black got home an hour ago.
I parked the Camaro on the street, got out and then I suddenly saw this tiny golden key lying on the street. I picked it up. The metal cool against my skin. Drunkenly, in sort of a haze, I studied it like it was some kind of sign, and I am about 2 say something when Black points to a shadow just inside the gates and we open them and the auto floodlights is turned on, revealing a skinny guy in jeans, a tank top and a huge yellow Zapata sombrero sitting on the ground in the middle of the small gravel pathway leading up 2 the house.
In his left hand he holds an empty bottle of Jack. In his right, a small green Maracas.
"Excuse me" I say. He doesn't move.
"EXCUSE ME!" I say it a little louder and kick his left foot with my right one.
He looks up @ me. Stares @ me sort of absent minded 4 a moment. Then tips his hat.
"Ma'am, You're excused" he sez.
Then tilts his head down so the face disapears behind the hat. For a moment it's quiet again.
"I don't mean 2 b rude" I tell him "but this is MY house. You are sitting on MY property."
No answer.
"You can't SIT here" I say a little louder "It - is - MY - house."
No answer.
"I'll call the Pol..."
He slowly looks up again, straight @ me, his drunken eyes full of contempt.
"Has anyone ever told u" he says while staggering 2 his feet "that YOU are a LOUSY conversationalist."
He takes a few steps towards me and Black, then raises his right arm.
"All I ever wanted" he says "is to have some goddam PEACE and SILENCE and then they gimme THIS."
He shakes the green maracas in front of our faces a couple of times, then turns away and starts to walk TOWARDS the house.
I look @ Black with a face like: What is HAPPENING but she just shrugs. And then, as I watch the shadowy figure disappear around the corner I get this weird feeling of having seen that person before somewhere.

Then Black takes my hand, hiding the key between our palms. Her eyes beams with excitement.
"So where do YOU think it fits?"
But, no, that's NOT when it all started.

*

It actually started even earlier. This night. Me and Black, dressed like movie stars in Dolce Gabbana and Gaïa, @ the Chateau. We sip blood red sangria in a crowd of Khaki colored Valleypeople. Black laughs as I tell her…

…as I tell her how Daddy once knew one of the staff @ the Chateau, an old black guy with a tiny gray moustache, and how the guy always lend us the keys 2 the secret garden behind the lower part of the hotel where tiny but magical creatures like elves hid from Hollywood. How WE used 2 hide there as well. Just me and dad and Viktor, far away from mom's rage, until she had that forth martini she needed to survive "a world populated to 99% by idiots and the last percent by criminal idiots".

(I actually read about that garden the other week in a magazine. The article says: it belongs to the Chinese garden suites and was famous in the sixties as the place where an aging Sinatra used to fuck the wives of Burbank producers two @ the time. Which I guess is sort of what daddy told me, but in a nicer way than the tabloid.)

I tell Black that the last time me and dad went there I hid the key behind a stone in the wall, so that someday I could return. Her face shines with excitement.
"We must find the key" she says.
And then. In the dusky dawn we sneak between the attorneys, over the lush grass and into the shade by the wall which 2 my disappointment consists of approximately 1 billion bricks. I sigh, but Black's face still glows.
"Oh my god" she says "just look @ this, the key must b behind one of the stones!"
And without hesitation she starts to pull bricks out of the wall 2 find it.

*

Now we're back in the garden, staring @ the corner where Sombrero just disappeared. Blacks face is shining again, as she was looking @ the key.
"That's the thing with symbols" she's laughing now "I mean. When god wants 2 tell you something, he speaks in CAPITAL LETTERS"
I look @ the key.
"What do you mean?" I say.
"The key was not hidden behind a brick in the wall" she says, in a voice as if speaking to a very young child "There was NO need to push over that poor waiter or to be banned from the chateau. The key was here all along just in front of your doorstep."
"But where" I say "does it fit?"
"That is" she answers "the question."

We're in the small ward of Hope for Kids hospital. The sky outside the windows is watercolor blue but inside everything is white. The doctor gives me a serious look and tells me that there's nothing 2 be done, and my heart stops.
"N…n…nothing?"
"No" he says solemnly almost with a hint of anger "because this is a REAL hospital, and we don't treat teddybears."
I look around in the small room until I understand it must be Aloysius he's talking about. I show him the pad of 100$ bills Black convinced me to bring. He nods, still solemly.
"The advantages of America's system with private hostpitals" he says "is we can always make exceptions 4 the truly needy."

*

Now me and Black are in the car. Roof down. Aloysius is next to me, under two blankets, wearing a huge bandage. If he's feeling better though is hard to say.

*

No word from the attorney. The date for the funeral is still the 32:nd of august and he is still in Hawaii.

(Tonights outfit: star constellations. Dress from Dolce & Gabbana.)

Sitting in granny's old rattan chair by the pool under the stars. Aloysius rests under a blanket in my arms, half dreaming, half sleeping. His little body hot and sweaty. Heart ticking like a humming birds.
(As a soporific drug I gave him a tiny shot of Madeira. Now I'm having the rest of my bottle 4 myself)
I watch constellations of the night sky. Chained Princess, Little Bear.

*

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I have an appointment for Aloysius @ Hope for Kids tomorrow. I hope they'll find out what's wrong with him.

(Dress: Marc Jacobs, White powder, Shoes: Vintage Vuitton)

Aloysius sickness is getting worse. I really don't know what 2 do. I thought he was getting better, but yesterday, when I was spying through the window to get a glimpse of Mr Mysterious he suddenly woke up in the middle of a nightmare. He sat up in the bed, made this horrible hissing sound. I tried to calm him but he pushed me away. He was all sweaty and spoke incoherently about how love and friendship always ended up hurting the animals good @ heart (and some rather NASTY things about women in general that I'll forgive him for, only because he was half asleep and it was his subconscious speaking and you don't have any responsibility over your subconscious).
The world is evil, he repeated.

I asked him to b more precise but instead he went back 2 sleep. This morning he had a terrible fever. I told him that he must drink (water!) but he refused. Said he had "nothing more 2 live 4".

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?

L8tr today, me and Black are taking him to the children's hospital. Oh STUPID STUPID bear. I love him so much.

*

Also: Granny got ANOTHER invitation 2 Chanel. She must have been a good customer. Me and Black r thinking about it.

*

Oh, and please remember to like this on facebook below! Aloysius says only the posts with Black gets liked, and that I needn't post anymore about him, since bears have no use for "pity"

Yesterday. When darkness sneaked up on us we drove downtown where they filmed a new season of Jersey Shore. Cute dogs with unpretentious haircuts, an army of polite homeless ppl and free jello shots @ The Standard. "To try out real life" as Black put it (but sometimes she just speaks in a foreign language). She was on the move. A translucent water gun loaded with Vodka in one hand, Aloysius in the other.

Now. Rooftop afternoon. Aloysius confuses water with poison. Glances @ me with eyes of desperation and sadness. I give him an encouraging smile.
"You must let the fear swallow you." Black whispers dramatically.

And suddenly a hazy memory hits me. It had been two weeks since we left Venice (not the beach but the Italian city built on water and hubris) for LA. I laid on granny's driveway in an attempt to melt away, when a thin figure leaned over me. Switched off the sun.
"Come on lazy." She said and handed me a worn edition of Crime and Punishment. "I'm gonna learn you how to fly."

At the Astoria I took this photo of me and the beauty Olivia Lopez.

Olivia is dressed in hand made lace from Verona (Pizzo) the same as Alaïa tried to buy for his SS2010.

Now me and Black are on our way 2 some party downtown where Aloysius have promised 2 teach Will Ferrell to drink like a man.

UPDATED: I've gotten so many answers I have a hard time choosing. Please help me by voting 4 the best entries in the commenst below.

I've gotten so much LOVE from you all these days that Aloysius says I'm getting conceited. To show the stupid bear wrong, I've decided to give away one of the scarfes I found in grannys Wardrobe. It's a 1971 Hermés scarf with Lotus Flowers, the same kind Jacqueline Kennedy used to wear when she sneaked out those rainy November evenings to cheat on the president.

Just write how you should wear it, and it might be yours.

Yesterday Black convinced me to say yes to one of all the invitations I've been getting since I came back, so as darkness fell we hit Hollywood. First Paul & Andrés - a tiny place hidden behind some dumpsters on Cosmo Street.

Black worked the room like a dark tornado with a cigarette between her lips, chatting with everyone in sight. Aloysius were happy as a camper and sipped his Gin like Joey Bishop in The Deep Six. After an hour he got so drunk and obnoxious that "Paul" (politely) had to ask us to leave. And I suddenly remembered why I don't allow the stupid bear to drink hard liquor.